A/N: This is a triggering revelation of myself. If you think you can't handle it, I suggest not reading it. But if you still want to go ahead because I hope this can help some people out there who were like me. Thank you.
Razors. Blood. Slits. Wrists.
I'm not going to lie. There was one point in my life where I thought cutting was the only solution available. Of course not fitting into the society along with the everyday fights between my parents didn't help. I used to stay in the shower for hours. Slowing dragging the blade across my wrists, watching the blood flow away with the scalding hot water. Oh, how good it felt. Then, after it was all done, I would just pretend everything is okay. Cover them up with bracelets and long sleeved shirts. The usual. I know I can't tell this to anyone. Why? Because society would think lower of you then you already think you are. Make sense? I hope it does. So yes, this continued for a couple of years. I did it everything I felt like crap, whenever I feel like nothing turns out the way its supposed to be, like this is god's way of punishing me. Like I'm never good enough for anyone in my life cause no one ever stays that long. All they do is up and leave right at the time I need them the most. They leave me. And all I do is Just sit there in the shower for hours, watching my life drain away right in front of my eyes.
"You should tell someone. Yes you should. Someone could help you." Those voices in my head used to tell me. But another one would come around. Every time. "No. You shouldn't. What would they think of you? They will be disgusted by you. By the girl that harms herself. Just keep doing what you're doing. It will all go away." Go ahead and guess which path I chose. I can't tell anyone. I don't have any siblings nor can I tell my friends. Sorry, FRIEND seeing that I only had one close friend. Found out everyone else was just faking it. SURPRISE SURPRISE. Ugh.
I used to think how better my life would be if I just stopped. Stopped moving, stopped living, stopped breathing all together. No one would miss me. No one wants my opinion. No one even CARES. Every time I would talk to my parents to help them resolve THEIR problems but NO. NO ONE LISTENS TO THE 15 YEAR OLD GIRL! Am I that unimportant to their lives? Before I continue, yes I know they have problems and they are thinking about that but they gotta think that they have a daughter who is part of their family, who wishes nothing but their well-being.
I kept doing this. Again and again and again. When old scars healed I would drag a razor above it just to make a new one. Bracelets and long sleeved shirts were my refuge. My homecoming. No one could see whats underneath. Just like me. Outside I'm just as joyful as any other teenage girl. Inside? That's where my demons hide. Those dark voices, those cold thoughts.
Until that fateful day. That moment of clarity I had. I sat down and had a long hard think of what am I doing with my life. All the faking and all the pretending. Is this what I am going to do my whole life? Come to think of it, it's just sad that I am hiding under razors and scars and blood. That I find comfort in inflicting pain on myself. That it's okay to scar yourself just because you have problems. So I went up to my friend and I told him everything. Every single problem, every single thing I did. He listened. Something I wasn't expecting because no one ever listens. Cause to everyone else I was the happy-go-lucky girl without a care in the world. But they don't know do they?
I felt a huge weight life off my shoulders once I was done. He didn't say anything. Nothing. Zero. Zilch. And I immediately thought he was disgusted by me. That he thinks lowly of me now. What he did next took me by surprise. He hugged me. Long and hard. The next thing I know I was crying into his shoulder and he just held me. Nothing else. And let me tell you, it felt good. Like now finally, someone who knows. Someone who I can turn to when I'm at the bottom-less pit that is my life. He said "It will be okay. I'm here. Forever and always" Little did I know those were the words I needed to get off this depressing streak of a moment I had. It took a while but with his help, after a few months, I finally stopped. Those scars on my wrist still exist. As a reminder of my dark times but those wrist also reminded me that I'm a fighter. A warrior and I'm never going back to that dark place again. I'm never going to feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. Cause someone cares. And I'm going to come out of this.
Yes, I know a lot of you guys have this problem. Yes, you might not have someone to tell to. But let me tell you this, SOMEONE, no matter who that person might be. Cares for you. If not now then in the future. You just gotta hold on long enough till you reach that checkpoint in your life. Easier said than done I know. But hey, I've done it. Why not you? Life is not easy but that's just how it works doesn't it? You gotta go along with the waves that life puts you on and ride on it till you reach that point in your life where you come out stronger that before. Sure, I still have my insecurities and those times where I still feel like I'm not good enough but I handle them better now. I talk to people. I draw on my wrists those little butterfly's or the names of my idol. But I don't resolve to cutting anymore. Want to know why? Cause as I grew older, I realized that there's more to the world than I've seen. Why would I end my life when I haven't lived to the fullest? When I haven't enjoy all those little things in life? When I haven't fallen madly in love? When I haven't traveled the world and enjoy all those beautiful things?
There's always a solution. If you actually read the whole thing, then I thank you and I hope in someway this can help you. Talk to someone. Help yourself. Talk to me even. I'll be here. I hope my story can help you bring out the best in you. I want to help those who are in my shoes before I became this strong and confident person. I know you guys are beautiful alright? Don't let anyone else tell you different. I may not know you but I know it's true. And from the bottom of my heart, I'm telling you this. Learn to love yourself, like I did, and everything will turn out alright and even if you don't love yourself, please know that I do. I love every single soul out there cause you all are beautiful.
Stay strong x
